Read more: http://imgur.com/gallery/pE55Z
Read more: http://imgur.com/gallery/pE55Z
Regardless of her weird habits, there’s no doubt the actress looks AMAZEBALLS.
The 41-year-old is also currently in the business of producing her own supplements in a bid to make women feel better. And somehow we’re sure this’ll be just as successful as the rest of her ventures, even the really out-there ones like vaginal steaming.
On creating her own supplement packs: “There are so many options for vitamins out there. Which ones work? How much should you take? Are they going to interact with each other? It’s almost impossible to navigate. We wanted to take the work out of it for [women].”
On wanting to make women feel better with her new supplements: “I think women in modern society don’t feel very well. The number one thing women say is “I’m exhausted and I don’t know why!” I want to get to the bottom of why that is. The supplements were born out of that impulse: I want to feel well, I want my friends to feel well, I want my readers to feel well. I’ve always experimented with supplements. And I believe the combination of toxic load, the modern environment, and nutritional deficiency makes our bodies more vulnerable to breaking down.”
On striking a balance between diet and supplements: “For me, it’s a combination of what I’m eating and what I’m taking. I have a pretty healthy diet, so when I’m eating processed foods and not watching my alcohol intake, I feel it. But at the same time, you want deliciousness, you want a fun lifepleasure! You’re going to have a baguette-and-cheese-and-red-wine frenzy sometimesbut you want it to be a choice you’re awake to: “I know this might not make me feel great, but today I’m choosing it anyway.”
“The idea is to boost a (most of the time) nutrient-dense diet with high-quality supplements. We’re low in so many nutrients. Even if we’re careful about going organic and nontoxic, because we’ve degraded our soil, the nutritional value of the food we do eat, however healthy, is less than it was 100 years ago.”
On some of her crazy ideas, like putting jade eggs in your vagina: “When you’re at the forefront of something that’s new, people can get really reactive: “This is crazy! Why are you doing this?” Then, five years later, everyone’s fine with it. So I have a bit of pattern recognition in hand at this pointwhich is helpful. Also, when someone doesn’t like something you do, or doesn’t share your interest in something, that doesn’t have anything to do with you. One of the best things someone ever said to me was that the only time criticism hurts is if you have a judgment about yourself about that very thing. If someone’s like, “You dick, you have red hair!” and you’ve got brown hair, it doesn’t bother you. It’s a blessing to be liberated from the chains of other people’s perceptions of you. It’s part of wellness, working at that. I’ve gotten to a point where I like myself. I do my best as a person. I also have nothing to hide.”
On working out: “I like feeling good, and I know I feel my best when I exercise. But it depends on the dayI definitely don’t always feel like doing it. I’ve made it a habit, just like brushing your teeth. That’s how you have to look at it. I’ve been a Tracy Anderson fanatic for over a decade, I’m an investor in her company, so yeah, I go every morning. I drop the kids at school, work out, go to work. I’ve been supplementing it a bit with lifting heavier weights lately, to deal with some lower-back-pain issues. You can’t bottle a great workout.”
Check out a second hot shot from her spread in the gallery (above)!
[Image via Women’s Health]
The productis really more like a chapstick Because your other lips get chapped, too! is an actual tagline and its made with organic avocado oil and honey. It claims to treat things like itch and discomfort,skin dryness, odor causing bacteria and ingrown hairs.
This puts vagina lipstick in the pantheon of insane and unnecessary health products marketed to prey on womens insecurities about their own bodies. Its on par withvaginal facials and insertable jade eggs,both of those weredeemed questionableby medical professionals.And acccording to Dr. Maria Isabel Rodriguez, an assistant professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Oregon Health and Science University, you really shouldnt use this, either.
At first glance, the idea of vulvar lipstick sounds like a joke, or another harmless beauty product, Rodriguez told The Huffington Post, but she listed a few very real reasons it may not be harmless at all.
Despite the fact that the balm boasts a natural bill of ingredients, Rodriguez pointed out vulvar skin is very sensitive, and generally does best without any special soaps or shampoos.
If symptoms are so bothersome that women need treatment, they should absolutely discuss this with their gynecologist, she said.Issues like itching or pain or symptoms from vaginal atrophy should be handled by professionals, she added, not vulvar lipstick. It worries her that women may use Lips Stick to treat symptoms, she said.
While symptoms may be caused by yeast or hormonal changes, it is essential they be evaluated to rule out any chronic skin conditions like lichen sclerosus[patches of thin, white skin] or even vulvar cancer, she said.
Both Rodriguez and the VMagic website point out that the balm is for external use only.
The lipstick should never be used internally, Rodriguez said. That could cause a change in pH, vaginal infections and all kinds of misery. It concerns me that products like these perpetuate the idea that there is something inherently wrong with womens reproductive organs that they need a balm, a shampoo or perfume.
Unless youre dealing with an actual medical condition, your genitals are self-sufficient as they are.The vagina is virtually self-cleaning, its supposed to smell, and symptoms like itching, discomfort and unusual odors can be signs of a health issue that needs professional attention. Although the balm can also be used for things like chafing, rash and ingrown hairs, Rodriguez said those can be remedied by using a warm compresses and gentle exfoliation and not picking at your skin.
For now, please keep your love of lipstick on your face, thank-you-very-much.
Under the GOPs proposed new healthcare law, new bundle of joy might just break the bank, according to an article from Kaiser Health News(KHN).
Giving birth has long been an expensive undertaking. Independent of the costs of prenatal care and screening tests, a vaginal delivery costs an average of almost $9,000, while c-sections are more than $11,000, according to data from healthcare information company Castlight and reported by CNBC (KHNs estimates are even higher, at $30,000 and $50,000 respectively).
For a woman with employer-sponsored health insurance, that cost would be divvied up between the insurer and the patient. But before the Affordable Care Act, only about 12 percent of plans would cover maternal care, KHN reports. That all changed under the ACAmaternity and newborn care were one of the 10 essential health benefits required to be covered by any plan sold on the state health exchanges, so women could be certain that they would be covered, even with the most basic high-deductible plans.
The American Health Care Act (AHCA), Republicans proposed law to replace Obamacare, would likely eliminate the provision of maternal care from health insurance plans. This is under the rhetorical guise of giving women more choices in their healthcare.
Women haveto make the decisions that work best for them and their family, said Seema Verma, Trumps choice to head the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, said in her confirmation hearing. Some women might want maternity coverage, and some women might not want it.
Senators and healthcare experts (including the Congressional Budget Office, which estimated that under the AHCA 24 million Americans would lose health coverage by 2026) have pointed out that in practice, choice means that more women will ultimately have to pay more to have a babywith fewer of the costs covered, women will have to limit their options to the plans they can afford, or no plan at all. And thats not good news for women who might end up pregnant by accident, as their access to birth control or abortion is limited by bare-bones health plans or defunded Planned Parenthood.
Some experts in favor of the ACA are skeptical that the new health plan could cut too much into the maternal health provision, as many states have past similar measures mandating that insurers cover maternal health, KHN reports. And the AHCA, already unpopular in the public, healthcare providers, and on Capitol Hill, could be amended before its passed, if its passed at all. For the sake of would-be mothers who would be having babies in a world of Trumpcare, lets hope the experts are right.
This story originally appeared on Vocativ and has been republished with permission.
Its no surprise your sex life will look different after your partner gives birth at least temporarily. Between all of the physical, hormonal and emotional changes shes dealing with, to the extreme exhaustion she is now facing, and settling into her new life with your baby, sex may not be as exciting, spontaneous or pleasurable as it once was for either of you.
In fact, after the birth of a baby men admitted to experiencing shifts in their sexual desire related to fatigue, stress and time, a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found.
Take heed, guys. Your sex life can be great again. But for now, here are some tips that will get you through.
1. Be understanding
Before you even think about having sex again, its important to understand what your partner is going through so you can re-establish intimacy.
Between non-stop feedings, diaper changes and everything else she has to do to care for your newborn, theres a good chance shes exhausted. Most moms dont sleep for more than two or three hours at a time and they often dont have or ask for help.
Todays modern women want to take care of their babies, Dr. Hilda Hutcherson, Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Columbia University Medical Center in New York City, told Fox News. There was a time when women would hand their babies off to someone else.
Your partner may also still have pain from vaginal tears or an episiotomy, which is a procedure during the second stage of labor to facilitate delivery. If shes breastfeeding, her chest may be tender and leaking, and she might also have cracked, bleeding nipples.
Because breastfeeding causes estrogen levels to be low too, vaginal dryness can make sex uncomfortable, even painful. Prolactin, the hormone thats released during breastfeeding, can also decrease libido and sexual pleasure.
2. Pitch in
Exhaustion will dampen her desire for sex, but studies suggest helping out with diaper changes, housework and meals can do a lot for your sex life, too.
In fact, when men pitched in, couples had sex more often and reported higher sexual satisfaction, a study in the Journal of Family Psychology found.
I think thats something that many women appreciate and can actually find the desire to want to connect more emotionally with their partner, Chris Pegula, author of Diaper Dude: The Ultimate Dads Guide to Surviving the First Two Years, told Fox News.
Offer to care for the baby for a few hours so she can rest, do your best to pitch in, consider hiring a cleaning service or a meal delivery service, or ask a family member to help out.
Sex might be on your mind, but for most women to want sex, they need to feel emotionally connected.
If possible, plan a date night, do something active or catch a movie sans baby to re-establish that emotional connection.
4. Be honest
Although postpartum depression is usually associated with women, research in recent years suggests fathers can experience it too. In fact, a recent study in JAMA Psychiatry found that 4 percent of new dads experience symptoms of depression after the birth of a baby.
Its normal to feel sad and depressed as you adjust to your new way of life, but your feelings likely have less to do with a lack of serotonin and more to do with grieving, Dr. Gary Brown, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, told Fox News.
Of course you love your partner and your baby, but it can be a challenge to realize that you now have to share your partner. Be honest with yourself and your partner, and keep the lines of communication open.
5. Be patient
After the six-week postpartum check-up, most women get the all-clear for sex. Although some are ready, for others, it could take up to year to feel desire again.
It can be tough to wait, but be patient and give her the time she needs. Find other ways of enjoying each other or providing each other pleasure other than intercourse, Hutcherson said.
6. Make her feel hot again
With all the attention now paid to your baby, many women start to see themselves more as mothers and less as sexual women.
With all of the changes that have happened to her body and the extra baby weight shes carrying, she may not feel attractive anymore or even worry that her vagina isnt as tight or desirable as it once was. They assume that their partners cant possibly see them as attractive anymore because they changed so much physically, Hutcherson said.
To help her feel good about herself and more likely that shell want sex, shower her with kindness and compassion, and make sure she knows you still find her sexy.
7. Go with the flow
Recognize that sex may not come as naturally or be as steamy as it once was. In fact, it can almost be like the first time you ever had sex, especially if shes in pain.
Its also natural to feel guilty about having sex because you dont want to hurt her or perhaps you feel uncomfortable being intimate with your new baby in the same room.
Continue to communicate, make time for each other and be flexible, and your sex life will be exciting again as it once was.
Julie Revelant is a health journalist and a consultant who provides content marketing and copywriting services for the healthcare industry. She’s also a mom of two. Learn more about Julie at revelantwriting.com.
No ifs, ands, or BUTTS about it!
However, its most eyebrow-raising article is about the dos and don’ts of anal sex!
“First it was shocking, then it was having a cultural moment, now it’s practically standard in the modern bedroom repertoireor so a quick scan of any media, from porn to HBO, will tell you… If anal turns you on, you are definitely not alone, but its prevalence doesn’t change the fact that it’s the riskiest sexual behavior in terms of HIV and other STDs.”
According to psychoanalyst Paul Joannides, people are not getting behind the behind as much as you’d think!
“There are some couples who enjoy anal sex a lot, maybe 10% to 15% of all straight couples. But if you ask them how often they have anal vs. vaginal intercourse, they’ll say maybe they have anal one time for every five or ten times they have vaginal intercourse. We occasionally, as in once a year, hear from women who say they have anal as often as vaginal, but that’s unusual. As for gay men, maybe 50% of them have anal sex and 50% don’t. I don’t have exact figures for hetero or homosexual couples, but a lot of gay men would far rather give and receive blowjobs than have anal sex.”
The author clarifies a common misconception about the intercourse seen in porn, and the intercourse that’s realistically happening in your bedroom.
“Understand that the way you see anal sex portrayed in porn is about as real as how they drive cars in the The Fast and the Furious. The anus isn’t designed to have a penis thrust up it; nature did not spec it to handle incoming, as she did with the vagina… They show none of this in porn. Nor do they show communication, feedback, or trust. Couples who do not have excellent sexual communication, who don’t freely give and receive feedback about what feels good and what doesn’t, and who don’t have a high level of trust should not be having anal sex.”
If you’re interested in doing the deed, do as much reading and research as you can before you and your partner get busy!
“Both of you should read all you can about it first. Spend a few weeks helping the receiving partner train her anal sphincters to relax. Make sure you and your partner have great sexual communication, trust, and that you both want to do it, as opposed to one trying to pressure the other, or not wanting to do it but doing it because you are afraid your partner will find someone else who will. Do not do it drunk or stoned, and do not use lube that numbs your anus. If it doesn’t feel good when it’s happening, stop.”
And remember… always practice safe sex!
[Image via WENN.]
In order to undergo genderreassignment surgery in China, one must take a series of tests, answer more than a thousand questions, and get the approval from direct family members for the life-changing operation. For 72-year-old Xin Yue of Beijing, all of that was worth the effort in order to become the woman she always wanted to be.
Now, two months after a breast implant and vaginal reconstruction surgery, Xins seven-decade dream has finally come to fruition. Xins daughter and wife, Leng Rui, supported Xins decision, with their daughter reportedly joking that now she has two mothers.
“I didn’t think too much . All I wanted was for her to be happy,” Leng, Xin’s wife of 47 years, told the Southern Metropolis Daily.
Its what Xin has wanted since she was a child and her parents, who already had two older boys, dressed her like a girl and braided her hair. Xin said she liked it, but after entering school, she had to cut her hair and dress like a boy, style changes that made her unhappy.
Eventually, Xin met Leng. They got married and had a daughter, because, as Xin explained, her traditional beliefs and family pressure compelled them to start a family.
After retiring in 2000, Xin began surfing online and discovered forums for transgender people. Without Leng knowing, Xin began taking hormones to increase her estrogen levels, but she didnt feel healthy with that choice and eventually told Leng she wanted gender reassignment surgery. In 2015, Xin had her testicles removed, and though her mood improved, she decided on undergoing the entire gender reassignment surgery.
“I have completed my wish to become a woman,” she told local media after the surgery, via China Daily.
It wasnt an easy task.
As the Atlanticpoints out, the Chinese government made new guidelines in 2009 that forced those who want gender reassignment surgery to apply to police to change the gender on their official registration, to undergo therapy, to be older than 20, and to inform their immediate family.
Xin also had to pass a psychological test. But now that the surgery is over, shes looking forward to a bright future.
In the future, my wife and I can use the term ‘sister’ to call each other. We will still live together,” she said. “My skin is still soft and white like a woman in her 20s. I feel I’m only in my 30s and I can live to 100 years old.”
It was 1981. A young man walked into Fauci’s office. He was very sick and getting worse. Among his other maladies, an opportunistic infection was attacking his retinas the man was going blind right in front of Fauci. But there wasn’t anything Fauci could do for him.
At the time, doctors didn’t even know what AIDS was. It would be a year before the term was even invented.
“It was a very painful and very frustrating because, you know, when you’re a physician you’re trained as a healer,” said Fauci. But he couldn’t heal this young man. The patient eventually died of the disease.
“That was the first of several thousand patients I’ve seen over the last 35 years,” Fauci said.
But Fauci didn’t give up.
Today, Fauci is the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID). They work to treat and prevent a wide range of diseases, including HIV/AIDS.
Thanks to the work of the NIAID and a whole host of other doctors, scientists, and organizations, our relationship to HIV/AIDS has completely changed since the early ’80s. We can track its movements, prevent its spread, and use drugs to de-fang it once it’s in the body.
But a vaccine that holy grail of medicine has remained elusive. So far, at least.
All that might change, though. A new HIV vaccine trial, known as HVTN 702, has just started, supported in part by Fauci and the NIAID. It’s the most hopeful trial yet, based on an attempt from 2009 that lowered HIV infections rates by about 30%.
That first try was exciting, but it wasn’t quite good enough to distribute, so Fauci and his team are hoping that this new trial could be the kicker.
Fauci and the NIAID aren’t the only ones working on this. Dr. Gita Ramjee is the director of South African Medical Research Councils HIV Prevention Research Unit. She’s been working on HIV prevention for years.
Ramjee explained that the location of the trial is significant. Worldwide, HIV/AIDS affects about 37 million people. 7 million of those cases are in South Africa. The country sees about 1,000 new infections every day, and women are especially at risk.
“In Southern Africa, the face of the epidemic is a woman’s face,” said Ramjee. That’s partly due to biological factors, but also social ones. Women don’t always have the power to negotiate condom use with their partner, for example, and there may be stigma around getting preventive care.
Ramjee is one of the scientists who has been trying hardest to help these women for years. She joined the vaccine push because she wanted to explore new ways to help people prevent infection and because she’s seen the costs of HIV/AIDS far too many times.
“Seeing these women in person, seeing a 16- or 18-year-old already coming to the clinic HIV-positive, it’s really, really heartbreaking,” said Ramjee.
As part of this latest trial, South Africa enrolled 5,400 sexually active men and women. Half will get the vaccine, half will get a placebo. All will be offered established HIV prevention methods.
The trials will test the efficacy of the vaccine, and they’ll also test for any possible side effects. The first patient was enrolled on Oct. 26, 2016. Results are expected in late 2020.
“Having a vaccine, even if it’s 50% efficacious, it’s going to add to the toolbox that we have,” said Ramjee.
Existing treatment and prevention methods such as condom use or vaginal rings have been able to take the edge off the infection rate, but they haven’t been able to completely reverse the disease’s trajectory. But immunization is a powerful tool, and added to our repertoire well, that could be what finally tips the scales. It could be, as both Fauci and Ramjee said, the final nail in HIV’s coffin.
Yes, this trial could fail, but even if it doesn’t, it’s heartening to talk to folks who will keep going until one does. Research is, after all, a learning process.
“Irrespective of what the results are positive or negative or moderate we’re going to learn a lot,” Ramjee said.
Fauci still sees HIV patients in the very same room where he first met that first patient more than 30 years ago. He said the advancements in HIV/AIDS care he’s seen has been nothing short of breathtaking.
HIV/AIDS was once a death sentence. Today, with the right care, people can live long, happy, healthy, essentially normal lives. And we continue to see amazing strides in care, even now.
“It’s been a tremendous, extraordinary evolution,” he said.
You’re not really a celebrity unless you’ve got a super dubious hippie-dippy side hustle. We’re talking stuff like fad diets, “nutritional” supplements, holy water enemas, a 48-DVD series on the healing magic of pennies, an ensorcelled amulet that scares the evil poltergeist out of your colon when you eat too many legumes, etc. Yes, famous people will certainly bend over backwards to shill dumb crap. But what’s surprising is how many of them drink their own snake oil. Here are some celebrities who believe in crackpottery so stupid that their health tips would cause an Ojai crystal healer to choke on their karma-free granola.
Steve Jobs Washed His Feet In Toilet Water (And Generally Stank Up The Joint)
If you thought the memory of Apple founder Steve Jobs couldn’t be any more soiled by the fact that he more or less treated everyone he ever encountered like human garbage, then you’re probably right. But get this: The dude was so gross that one of his cleaner habits was washing his gnarly feet in the toilet.
If you saw the (non-Ashton-Kutcher) biopic wherein Michael Fassbender-as-Jobs prepares for a presentation by doing said ablutions in the crapper, you probably assumed that was a bit of Hollywood hyperbole. But nope, it was simply Jobs’ way of relieving stress. Combine this with his worrying aversion at wearing shoes, though, and we’re guessing this habit wasn’t very relaxing for Apple’s janitors.
Oh, but that was but the start of his hygienically questionable “eccentricity.” Early in his career, Jobs’ co-workers were so disgusted at his perpetual stank that management transferred him to the night shift. It wasn’t that he was afflicted by a condition that caused uncontrollable farting (though his vegan proclivities may have given rise to that issue as well), but rather that the man literally didn’t bathe.
It wasn’t a passive-aggressive thing either, as Jobs is said to have truly believed that if he ate only fruits, it would somehow leave his body “flushed of mucous,” thereby eliminating any need to march his grimy ass into a shower. So if you think the “fruitarian” lifestyle will make you smell like a delicious smoothie as opposed to a rank bus station hobo, people who had the misfortune of spending lengthy periods in Jobs’ presence will readily confirm that you are “very, very wrong.”
Shailene Woodley Worships The Sun With Her Hoo-Hah
Shailene Woodley’s model good looks, acting resume, and sunny disposition have made her a favorite of moviegoers the world over, discounting parents forced to sit through Divergent. Who knows how many more fans she’d have if everyone knew exactly how sunny she lets her disposition get. In her own words, she likes to “give [her] vagina a little vitamin D.” (She’s talking about sun, chuckleheads.) Woodley says she was reading studies about “yeast infections and other genital issues,” as one does, when she found out about the energy-refilling benefits of “spreading your legs” and getting some solar where the sun don’t shine.
Please remember to put some sunscreen down there, though, or any of the benefits will be cancelled out.
Another example of how Woodley may be confusing “free-spirited” with “deranged train yard hobo” can be seen in her disdain for hygiene. According to her, because she was cursed with “horse hair,” it just works out better if she only shampoos her hair once a month and “the oilier, the better.” Not for the person standing behind you in the subway, no.
Style mavens and other loons have described her as “super down-to-earth,” which is evidenced by her claim that she makes her own toothpaste out of clay — which she also eats on its own, on the advice of a taxi driver. She also makes her own cheese and “whips up most of her eco-beauty products,” as well as her own medicines. Yes, she claims she “[doesn’t] get those from doctors,” preferring to select the finest wild plants crapped out by the ground in her area.
Simon Cowell Enjoys Sheep Placenta Facials, Blasts His Face With Oxygen, And Gets Wrapped Up Like A Taco
Noted competition show judge Simon Cowell evidently possesses an inner ugliness so profound that it requires diligent exterior maintenance. To prevent his skull from imploding into an abyss of endless darkness, Cowell must rely on cutting-edge pseudoscience to keep his grizzled mug sullen and tight.
Cowell’s past “experiments” have included such easily-confused-with-fraternity-hazing rituals as sheep placenta facials or being locked up for 90 minutes in detoxifying machines that look like Doctor Who set pieces. He’s also in the habit of taking regular blasts from a $500 aerosol can filled with pure oxygen to “rejuvenate his skin and reduce stress” — although having to constantly worry about avoiding anyone with a lit cigarette so your silk jacket doesn’t light up like a suicide vest seems like it might have the opposite effect.
And then there’s one technique that sounds like a scene from a Roger-Corman-produced Fifty Shades Of Grey ripoff, so we’ll let Cowell himself describe it:
That kind of behavior is perfectly acceptable between consenting adults, but we don’t normally sugarcoat our hardcore S&M fetishes by referring to them as “detoxing.” At least Cowell is upfront about his raging vanity, and admits to have “not obsessively” partaken in his fair share of Botox, which he considers “no more unusual than toothpaste.” You know you’re a little bit screwy when rampant goofball Howie Mandel calls you out for being a weirdo.
Alicia Silverstone Feeds Her Son Like A Mama Vulture
Ever watched a bird regurgitate a glob of mashed-up worms straight into the gaping maws of its ravenous brood? It’s pretty gross, to say the least, and certainly not something most of us would ever consider emulating with our own kids, or even our parrots. Unless, of course, you’re the actress who was America’s sweetheart during the brief period between Clueless and Batman & Robin, Alicia Silverstone. She’s apparently way into the upchuck school of child rearin’, and we regret to inform you that we have the photos to prove it:
In A Clueless Christmas Carol, this is Cher’s horrible fate as prophesied by the Ghost of As-If Future.
The official term for expelling chewed-up morsels into the mouth of one’s infant is “premastication.” It’s also a traditional method of weaning in some African countries, where it’s been shown to provide the exceptional benefit of transmitting deadly diseases. Shockingly, the National Institute of Health isn’t such a fan, and suggests that the public at large be warned about its dangers. But hey, it’s all worth it for the bonding, right?
As for Silverstone’s kid, she has claimed that he’s “never had a drop of medicine.” She doesn’t seem overly worried about that, however. Besides, who among us could be so heartless as to deny them these special moments together when “he attacks my mouth and I think it’s adorable“?
Thank you for ruining the one part of Aerosmith videos that didn’t seem weirdly incestuous.
Peter Thiel Is “Interested” In Injecting Himself With Blood To Become Immortal
For centuries, there have been tales of fiends who walk among us, their dark desires satisfied only through the savage bloodletting of the young and innocent. If you think that such monsters no longer exist, then gaze upon one such villain who still seeks dark pleasure in stealing away our very life’s essence:
Or that’s the plan, anyway. Peter Thiel, the billionaire businessman and co-founder of PayPal, admits that he has an “obsession with warding off death,” which seems reasonable for someone with more money than the GDP of Greenland. His dread of the reaper has led him to “look into” an activity that many of us would never consider on the grounds that it was too ghoulish: regular transfusions of blood taken from the (hopefully willing) bodies of young people.
“Parabiosis,” the technical term for the medical atrocity mentioned above, seems to be making a comeback after having fallen out of vogue due to controversies involving animal cruelty. Oh, right: Not only does this field of study involve blood transfusions, but also the practice of sewing two creatures together to share a circulatory system. Such crude techniques have not yet been performed on humans, so there’s as yet no reason to believe Thiel might be keeping a captive stable of supple teens on hand, should the need to surgically merge with one arise.
It turns out Thiel isn’t a complete maniac, as some studies suggest that parabiosis actually works — on rodents, but still. Also, you don’t have to be an internet Midas to get your hands on sweet, sweet youngster blood. A company called Ambrosia LLC in Monterey, CA is looking for volunteers to do a little plasma pimping right here in the U.S., and clinical trials are underway in China and Korea. Some Silicon Valley weirdos are already rumored to spend thousands of dollars a year desecrating the veins of nubile youths, which bodes well for a balmy future ruled by cyber-Draculas.
Gwyneth Paltrow Ritualistically Burns Her Underwear, Steams Her Nethers
At this point, Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t so much a movie actress as some reclusive faith healer who emerges occasionally to espouse the virtues of secreting an $88 jade egg up your vagina (and to sometimes make out with Iron Man).
Fortunately, her weekly lifestyle magazine/website, elegantly titled Goop, is here for the world. It’s done us the favor of corralling her wisdom all into one handy compendium / shithouse full of rats. Let us now begin with the cleansing fire for soiled underpants:
Yes, your undies carry the ghosts of your failed relationships, but don’t you dare toss those skivvies in the trash. That would be denying the gods of skid marks or whatever-the-fuck their proper sacrifice:
You can read about the entire ritual here. The easily nauseated should be forewarned, however, that it contains the phrase “recycling into the ethers.”
So now that you’ve emptied your drawers and your life of any offending panty-related melancholy (and also likewise disposed of all cancer-causing bras), it’s time for the next treatment: mugwort vaginal steaming. It might sound like the nastiest sort of Harry Potter fan fiction, but it’s an ancient Asian therapy that we’ve covered in more depth here.
Needless to say, just because something is ancient and Asian doesn’t mean it isn’t based on voluminous piles of nonsense. Gynecologists warn that the risk/reward ratio leans heavily toward “Don’t do that shit,” but what the hell do they know? According to Paltrow, “The first time I tried v-steaming, I was like, ‘This is insane’. My friend Ben brought me and I was like, ‘You are out of your f**king mind. What is this? But then by the end of it I was like, ‘This is so great.'” Well, we guess if it’s good enough for a totally random stranger named Ben, it’s good enough for you.
E. Reid Ross is the author of Nature Is The Worst: 500 Reasons You’ll Never Want To Go Outside Again, which is in stores now and available from Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
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