[Extremely UFC guy voice] Ladies and gentlemen, iiiiiittt’sss TIMEEE… to break out your $800 platinum-plated vibrators, because the annual GOOP holiday gift guide is here, i.e. the only time upper-crust ladies feel anything approaching erotic stimulation outside of flirting with the valet at Equinox. Once again, Gwyneth Paltrow and her merry band of tastemakers are here to to help you, the hapless woman with too much money to spend, decide what to buy for your equally well-heeled friends, relatives, and frenemies.
This year, the ever-innovative Gwenny throws us for a loop by separating the gifts into like 75 different categories like Hostess, Lover, Health Nut, and Traveler. Leave it to Gwyneth to realize that, in the world of rich people, there’s nothing more gauche than assuming your friends could possibly have interests outside of the boxes you’ve mentally placed them in. Anyway, this is a lot of shit, but I’ll do my best to cover the bases.
Goop Says: A set of three cheese knives, handmade in the Tuscan countryside, presented in a gorgeous wooden gift box.
I say: “Thank you for inviting me to your holiday party, Sharon. Here is a set of single-purpose knives that cost more than your television.” Those Tuscans sure know their way around a cheese knife, I always say. The thing is, though, if these get me into a devil’s 3-way with cheese, salami and water crackers faster than a regular knife, then I say no price is too high.
LARGE STANDING BOWL, $110
Goop Says: Use it as an unexpected display for fruits and veggies.
I say: Well, no shit it’s unexpected—it’s a fucking $110 mini pig trough that really only holds fruit. If you click through, you see it only holds, like, 4 pieces of fruit. THAT’S NOT LARGE, Gwenny.
Goop Says: Anyone from a longtime fan to a new and curious reader will love these books.
I say: If I see anyone let a child or teenager anywhere near Salinger’s creepy “childhood innocence is a virtue worth preserving” bullshit, I’m calling Child Protective Services.
[I’m not bothering with any of this shit, because it’s all stuff for the absolute worst people in your life. It’s also most of the cheapest stuff, and that’s no fun.]
Goop Says: A goop staff favorite.
I say: I’m sorry, but who am I supposed to be buying this for? The “lovers” section is next, so it’s not for anyone I’m doing the nasty with. If not them, who? “Here mom, I spent a month’s rent to remind you of your own last name.”
Goop Says: This personalized stamp balances timeless-classic design with a brilliant, high-tech self-inking functionality.
I Say: It’s not even personalized! According to the product description, “it comes with a gift code and instructions for setting custom rubber imprints and the option to order extras.” Also, in what world is a self-inking stamp “high-tech?” How poorly paid are the GOOP writers?
LACE KIMONO, $595
Goop Says: Taking inspiration from a traditional kimono, but made extra sexy.
I Say: This is less sexy than a traditional kimono, somehow? Look, I guess absurdly expensive lingerie does it for some guys, but this isn’t even that. And if your dude has some kind of weird, otaku fetish thing going on, I don’t think this is going to fulfill it. Nothing short of stuffing him into a box and mailing him to Japan will, which is the appropriate course of action.
ROSE QUARTZ EGG, $55
Goop Says: Used by women to increase sexual energy—this yoni egg is made of heart-activating rose quartz, associated with positive energy and love.
I Say: Can we all agree that “yoni” is the least appealing vaginal euphemism? Anyway, if stuffing rocks in your vagina is what it takes to “activate your heart” with “positive energy and love,” you a) need either a new man or a therapist, and b) probably spend too much time on this website.
Health Nut Gifts
AMETHYST BOTTLE, $84
Goop Says: This gorgeous water bottle is made with amethyst crystal to infuse water with positive energy.
I Say: Everything GOOP sells for “health” will at best do nothing and at worst make you less healthy, but this is particularly egregious. You can’t “infuse” water with crystals, and there are multiple varieties (including the vagtastic rose quartz)—and yet, they all claim to infuse the water with “positive energy.” WHICH IS IT, GWYNETH??
MEDITATION BAND, $350
Goop Says: When your mind starts to wander, soothing nature sounds gently guide you back to a meditative state.
I Say: They’re ultra-expensive headphones that only play one thing. If there’s one rule to live by, it’s that the dumber your chosen path to “wellness,” the more expensive the snake oil they’ll try to sell you. I mean, look at the price of joining a CrossFit gym.
Goop Says: Inspired by nineteenth-century paperclips, it’s geometrically sleek and functional, too.
I Say: It’s not “inspired by” paper clips, it is a fucking paper clip. Personally, I don’t trust the kind of guy who insists upon using a money clip. He has a fedora hiding somewhere, and he’s gonna drop that fucker on you at the worst possible time.
AERO PIPE, $85
Goop Says: Handmade in small batches right here in the USA.
I Say: LOL at Gwyneth selling drug paraphernalia. She’s absolutely the girl in middle school you could fool into thinking was high when all you gave her was some dry parsley to smoke. However, I must tip my hat to the enterprising stoner who figured out they could make A LOT more money selling $85 bowls to freshmen at Sarah Lawrence.
ONDINE PLATINE CASSEROLE, $1,220
Goop Says: This toxin-free casserole dish is crafted in a titanium grade stainless steel that’s made to last a lifetime.
I Say: Jesus fucking Christ. I thought I knew fancy cookware, but this is next level shit. OF COURSE it’s one of Gwyneth’s “favorite cooking tools.” What the fuck does “toxin-free” mean in the context of a baking pan, anyway? I’m pretty sure steel is toxic as hell if you consume it, Gwyneth. You know what else lasts a lifetime? A $30 cast iron pan from the hardware store.
Pet Lover Gifts
[Literally every pet gift over $20 should be illegal. I have some, like, terrible news for you, but your pet is going to die WAYYYY before you, and new pets don’t like hand-me-downs. They can smell your regret.]
THIS IS CAMINO, $35
Goop Says: This fire-based cookbook is packed with recipes that can be easily recreated at home.
I Say: Ah yes, a fire-based cookbook, because as a man I’m both too stupid to come up with recipes and my balls will literally wither and die if I cook over anything daintier than the effigy at Burning Man. Ladies, I hope you get turned on by the sounds of your boyfriend crying over $100, hopelessly burnt prime rib roasts.
Goop Says: Bullseye.
I Say: Not included in this set? The fucking paintball gun he’ll need to keep anyone from so much as thinking about throwing an actual dart at his 500 goddamn dollar “dart board.”
Ridiculous, But Awesome Gifts
PRIVATE ISLAND IN BELIZE, $6,000,000
Goop Says: The gift of complete and total solitude.
I Say: No, you know what? Fuck this. Do not designate this shit as “ridiculous,” Gwyneth. The whole point of this gift guide is how not self-aware she is, so she doesn’t get to do this. I mean, there’s zero self-awareness to be found in $425 cheese knives as a hostess gift, but still. SELL ME on this private island, Gwyneth. I might have some change hidden in my couch cushions.
Until next year, folks, when she’ll make her gift guide somehow more onerous and difficult to navigate. I bet rich people have a secret app for it.